How to end the addiction to perfection, today.
Perfectionism is a topic close to my heart. It took countless lessons for me to even begin unpacking this complex pattern, especially as a woman of our time, completely immersed into a sick cultural expectation to unrealistic standards that reinforce and thrive into this pattern. Perfectionism is not just a tendency, or a personal trait, it's more than often an addiction rooted in our past, an ingrained coping mechanism forged in response to the belief that being "perfect", whatever that meant for us, would earn us love and acceptance. Perfection is a desperate effort to avoid what we haven’t yet resolved, which is our own perceived deep sense of shame and rejection for simply being who we are.
Perfection is the mask we use to protect repeating the feeling of an ancient wound and is also is the strategy to be sure that it will never happen again, but ironically, by doing so, we unconsciously actually shaming and rejecting ourselves perpetually.
The Contradiction of Perfection
What is or what does it mean to be perfect, anyway? The definition of perfection implies finality, something complete and unchanging, some abstract ideal we have to reach. Yet as human beings, we are inherently ever-evolving and the idea of perfection contradicts our very nature where each phase of our growth, every change, is its own perfect moment. The quest for perfection ignores this truth that the process of us becoming every moment closer to the best and most expression of our true self is the real perfection, the process is made of every step, every turn and every stop. Each one is necessary for the other, each one is perfect in its own existence.
Who is the Perfectionist in You?
You have to understand that perfectionism, actually is the behaviour of some part of you that is living in the shadow,but actively running the show of your life and I will call it, the Perfectionist in You. The perfectionist is not evil at all, on the contrary it was born out of a deep inner pain you still hold in your body, mind and heart. That pain was experienced when you were a child and you understood that being completely you, was not accepted by the people who had to take care of you, on a very visceral level you felt that parts of you were rejected and not accepted, and to receive the love, protection and attention you needed you had to reject them yourself. You believed the thought that “there was something wrong with me” and that belief caused the emotion and the painful deep seeded wound of shame.
Perfectionism Symptoms:
Even if the list can be so much more complex and detailed I want to put light on the most common general manifestations of this mindset and how it seriously affects us:
1) BEING LOST INTO DETAILS, AND BURNING OUT
When starting a new project or pursuing a goal that really matters to us, that is close to our heart, a project that means “this is me” , the Perfectionist in You paralyzes you by trying to avoid the possibility of rejection. The Perfectionist in You truly believes that by controlling every details, it can control the result, but of course is delusion reveals itself in the process of controlling: every detail will bring another one to fix and another one, and another one. And even once you have worked out every each one of it, the Perfectionist in You will tell you that it’s not enough. And it will give you 1000 reasons, it will uses all its weapons, comparison, morals, righteousness, past memory of humiliation and rejection, envy… and before you even realize you feel tired, defeated sad and stuck. Reinforcing the lie that no matter what you do is never enough, because The Perfectionist in You never really learned how much is good enough.
This brings us to the second symptoms which is
2) INNER HYPER CRITICAL VOICES
Imagine 25000 hours of films where each character only speaks shit about you and how bad you are. In a way, that’s what happened to each one of us through our cultural voice in our schools, religions, family, social media, and television. You recorded that voices during the time of your life when when your brain was in a hipnotic state, the perfect brain waves to absorb everything. And you did, we did. Our mind has thousand of that voices recording stored in the mind and we have internalized them so much that we believe they are our own voice and even worst , we believe them as if they are our truth, the truth about ourselves. These voices can be contemptuous, angry, authoritative, demanding, harsh and always negatively judgmental, “ who do you think who you are?” “you are so stupid, nobody will ever like what you draw”, “you are so fat/ugly/old nobody will ever like you” etc.. They are the voice of your mask, is falsity speaking its lies and it has do use all of your energy to convince you, that’s why it never stops. Their job is actually positive, protecting you by trying to be yourself, because for the perfectionist in you being yourself meant being deeply ashamed and rejected, and that wound is still bleeding.
Even though I have presented a pretty dark landscape that is hiding behind perfection I can garantee you that you can heal that wound and get out of this trap. By only reading this post and becoming conscious of the mechanism behind it you are now aware of it, and as the said goes, the first step is always to become aware, awareness always implies power if you are ready to own it.
HOW TO REVERSE PERFECTIONISM THROUGH HEART BASED ACTIONS
So what are the steps? What is the secret?
To be honest, the solution is so incredible simple, as always truth is. The major and only antidote to shame and perfectionism is Self Acceptance. You have to be ready to accept who you are. Fully. Wholly. COmpletely. Unuapologetically and especially when it seems that the outer world is not ready to do that for you.
There is only one way to make it happen, and it is by expressing your self through your truth, by being Authentic You.
Opening the door to your House of Authenticity
You need to go into your heart and do the things you love to do and give yourself the freedom, the space to unfold, express and be you. Unupologetically. You begibg to see you by being you. Stop hiding, changing, saying no when you mean yes. Trying to be someone else. Be you. Authentinc, be you. You are a universe into this multiuniverse of reality, you have to accept the reality that this world would not be the same without you. You are unique, needed, a piece of art. You can’t be duploicated, so don’t try to duplocate other pieces of arts, be your own master piece. Be authentic. Giving also others the opportunity to see you.
You already are aware now on how Perfectionism stops you from taking action, but authenticity instead encourages it. Perfectionins relies on the negative masculine energies of rigidity, rules, arrogance and lack of integrity, authenticity comes whne you meet your Heart and you follow its prompts, sweet but decisive prumpt.
Your heart is literally speaking through you every moment, if you don’t believe me, let’s try it right now.
Place a hand in your chest and focus until you feel the beats. Feel it, heart it. It drumming your truth. You are enough, you are loved, you are accepted, you are beautiful, you are unique, you are needed, love love love love love love, listen to me, listen to me, i love you , I love you I love you , I love you. Listen listen listen listen
Be extraordinary you, be balanced you, be faithful to your truth. Whateer that means for you, only you know. But listen, be corageous, be corageous, give us your gifts, the gift of being authentic.
This is how you heal your shame, this is the secret, the potion, the antidote, will you use it?
Are you ready to let go, release, cut, disintegrate and reject the limiting belief that you are “wrong” or “not enough” and to embracing instead your real truth, the one that say YOU ARE ENOUGH.
Remember the only way we can test that the real answer to that question is yes, is by looking at your behaviour.
Once you start to ACT accordingly to this belief now you are really emanating a different energy signature to us, to the universe and now you are really changing and the universe can mirror that to you. But you have to begin, so what can you do to be authentic today, now'?
Follow your Heart. And show up.
With and through Love.
Anaïs